Blog Post

It isn't easy not seeing green

edie.claire • Oct 02, 2016

When I left home in Pennsylvania last week to attend the yearly Novelists, Inc. conference in Florida, the leaves on the maple tree outside my office window were all still green. When I got back four days later, an occasional leaf here and there was tinged with red. The sight gave me a horrible sinking feeling.


Don’t get me wrong -- the leaves were beautiful. They’re even more beautiful now a few days later, as shades of yellow and peach gradually mix in with the red. I’ve always loved watching the changing of the leaves, and from the time I was a kid up until about three years ago, Autumn was my favorite season of the year.


But then, those winters hit. And if you live anywhere in the northeastern US, you know what winters I mean. After the leaves fell off the trees those years, there were times when we doubted they would ever grow back. And even though this last winter wasn’t nearly so brutal, it seems like only yesterday that I was giddy with excitement to see those first green buds popping out.


There’s a psychology to that feeling. I’ve read that when the human eye sees the colors blue or green, the brain experiences a calming effect. No wonder our most relaxing daydreams so often involve palm trees and oceans! As much as I whine at the summer heat, I do love seeing the green. And as much as I adore fall, with its promise of cooler weather, Christmas, and hot chocolate by the fire, I can’t help but wish it would wait just a little while longer to arrive. Don’t you?


'Cause this woman needs her green.


Edie


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By edie.claire 27 Apr, 2022
So here’s the deal. I’ve had a dizzying ride on the medical roller coaster the last few years, and if you’d like to know more about my personal story, you can read all about it in the post on Brain Fog. But the short answer is that I am slowly getting a better handle on what ails me, and I am cautiously optimistic that the muses of creative writing will once again be shouting in my ears! Most likely, they’ll be pestering me to check in with the Koslow clan. On our real-world timeline, Leigh has celebrated her big 5-0 , Allison and Ethan are in college, and Warren has been newly elected to some state something or other. (Which is unfortunate for me, since the last thing I want to write about is politics!) As the older generation ages in style (or without it), Chewie gains more weight and Mao Tse continues her feline journey of immortality. So when and where does Leigh next trod upon a corpse? Hmmm... perhaps she will find herself in Alaska, braving the moose and the grizzlies! For more on that possibility, see the post on my own summer plans. Please also check out my post on marketing to see how I’ve been changing things up to make my books as affordable and easy to access as possible. Because to me, the most rewarding thing about writing is simply being read! Of course, I don’t even know people are reading unless they tell me. That’s why hearing back from readers is so utterly soul-warming. I've poured a lot of heart into the posts that follow, so please read on. And before you leave, make sure to at least say hi! :)
By edie.claire 27 Apr, 2022
If you have zero interest in medical issues , particularly someone else’s, feel free to skip this section now. But if you’re curious why my ability to write books seemed to slam to a halt two years ago even as I somehow kept managing to post on Facebook and write other things, please read on. My particular brand of “chronic migraine with aura” isn’t quite what most people envision. I am fortunate enough not to have an extremely painful headache on a near daily basis (although some people do.) What I do have, even after years of treatment by a certified headache specialist and all the latest and greatest pharmaceuticals and alternatives both, is a never-ending string of migraine symptoms that wax and wane unpredictably. When migraines are chronic , it’s no longer a situation of a specific trigger causing a specific attack. The brain is used to migraining, it likes to go there, it can do so at the drop of a hat, and no amount of obsessive tinkering to remove specific triggers in diet or lifestyle is going to make it magically change course. The “attacks” are no longer distinct, but blend into each other in an endless, undulating stream. I can have any level of head pain, nausea, light sensitivity, skull pressure, blurry vision, and cloudy thinking at any time, sometimes all together, sometimes in tandem. Fortunately, with my meds available, I only rarely have severe head pain. It’s equally rare for me to go a whole day with no symptoms at all. But on most days, the carousel of rotating symptoms is mild and largely manageable. So why can’t I get another book written? The answer can be put into two words “Brain Fog.” This symptom is difficult to describe, even for a writer. Trying to think clearly with brain fog is like trying to swim underwater through molasses. Your short-term memory is crap. 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The awful fog had been a bad patch I could now forever put behind me! I published the mystery and went back into romance, taking beloved characters from Glacier Blooming and bringing them back to life in Tofino Storm . I was near the end of the latter when the brain fog started creeping back again. My neurologist increased my dosage, and it helped for a month or two. Then the door slammed. I was right back when I started. I had completed writing Tofino Storm with a clear head, but finishing up the editing and publishing process – over Christmas of 2019 -- was like pushing a boulder uphill in a sandstorm. By the time Covid hit in the spring of 2020, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I was migraining regularly again. I was dispirited and miserable. There was no question of starting another book now, not when I knew I might never be able to finish it. 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So I made the tough (and commercially suicidal) call to get off social media altogether. Hence, the creation of Cafe Eclaire. Aside from enjoying the excuse to eat an eclair, I liked the more private, intimate feel of being able to host the content on my own website, and the once-a-month format was infinitely easier to manage. Predictably, reader participation dropped off over time, and I began to space the Cafe Days out farther and farther. I tried a second monoclonal antibody, Emgality, but it didn’t seem to be helping at all. My creative energy was limited. I had no good news to share. In the summer of 2021, I found hope again. The third monoclonal antibody I tried, Ajovy, was working. My headache frequency dropped significantly; I had more good days, more energy. But even as I felt better physically, I noticed something distressing. The sky was still overcast. Even with occasional holes in the clouds, the sun stubbornly refused to shine. Brain fog. Why did I still have it? Perhaps it was a matter of sleep deprivation . I had noticed my insomnia getting worse, my quality of sleep steadily deteriorating. I would lie awake tossing and turning, note the time on an hourly basis, wake up too early. So I committed to one of the most effective remedies known: a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I made some progress, but not enough, and my therapist recommended I consult my PCP to look for a medical cause. I did, and we found two. Turns out I had both subclinical hypothyroidism (Hashimoto’s disease) and obstructive sleep apnea. Either of which can cause -- guess what? – brain fog. What I’ve learned through this unfortunate saga is that brain fog, which until quite recently was not taken seriously by the medical profession as a real symptom of anything, is in fact a symptom of a wide variety of diseases and conditions . Migraine, hypothyroidism, and sleep deprivation can all cause it. 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By edie.claire 27 Apr, 2022
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By edie.claire 27 Apr, 2022
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By edie.claire 27 Apr, 2022
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